this world is only gonna break your heart

I gave blood today for the 4th time. I decided to listen to 'Blood Bank' by Bon Iver on repeat the whole time blood was coming out of my arm. I got a lot of satisfaction from watching the pint bag fill up. I didn't mind the feeling of it being removed, and I got satisfaction from the fact that a pint of my own blood might help someone at some point. I watched them put it in the cooler. I wonder where it is now, and where it will end up. I don't mean to over evaluate the contribution. It isn't much. I try to do what I can though, even if it is insignificant.

When an assistant offered me a plastic bottle of water afterward, I almost refused it on account of my personal stance against water bottles because of their immediate effect on the environment, water privatization, and waste. In that second I realized how self-righteous that would probably come off. Maybe support one cause at a time, or you'll faint on your way down the stairs, the assistant could say to me. I would probably say that to me. I kind of enjoy when my own thinking patterns are turned against me. I hate when people are self-righteous or pretentious. Those are probably the two qualities that I hate the most. When people have that attitude I really want to prove them wrong and throw it in their face. If I get labeled either of them I will do some serious reflection.

The sky looked extraordinarily gray and frozen today. Kind of like the washed-out look of buildings in San Francisco. I like the way San Francisco looks though, and the shades of gray outside now don't have the same effect. There's no stunning bay area or remnants of Haight Ashbury in central Illinois (No Alcatraz either though, which I'm happy for because that place always frightened me). It reminds me of the song 'November was White, December was Gray,' by Say Hi. For some reason this has gotten me looking forward to the essentially glossed over holiday Casimir Pulaski Day. It's the first Monday of March. It's probably my favorite song by Sufjan Stevens, too.

in the morning through the window shade
when the light pressed up against your shoulder blade
i could see what you were reading

'This world is only gonna break your heart' is taken from the song 'Wicked Game' by Chris Isaak. When I heard the song 'Lenders in the Temple' by Conor Oberst I remember thinking that the lyrics 'that circus tiger's gonna break my heart,' and 'this crystal city's gonna fall apart,' would've gone nicely in that song.

February 4, 2010 hitchcock?