Saturday, March 31, 2012

this is how we burn

He walked by and we exchanged a look; he didn't say anything but we both knew that we had met, we both knew we were pretending to forget. A simultaneous impulse to pretend to forget is worse than actually forgetting, because when you pretend something you can go on pretending indefinitely, and the other person pretending makes you think it's the right thing to do. The look was as loaded as it was fleeting but in that moment, we had both condoned the other to pretend to forget.

Sunday, March 11, 2012


Something about being in hospitals makes me feel comforted, maybe like the serenity people feel in cemeteries. closer to the artery of living, even if it is closer to human suffering. Bad things might have happened, or be happening, but this is the place to fix it. Even if something bad happens, even if someone dies, they will tell you that they did everything they could. That they couldn't have done anymore. Out of all the people in the world, these people can help the most. I don't understand the argument that modern medicine tries to play God. These are people operating at the highest intensity of human ability. skill and energy and bright white heat. Fate is recognized in hospitals, because everything that could be done was done. In constant urgency people's nerves crystallize.

I don't know what it is. When I went to get my throat looked at today I started crying sitting on the examining table. I haven't cried in 6 months, and it's not because I haven't been upset or sad.

I have a Tiffany heart pendant on a chain that I got for a gift. It's in my drawer but I hardly ever wear it. I saw a necklace I really wanted the other day, though, and it is in the shape of the crooked line of an EKG graph.