Tuesday, December 20, 2011

breathe breathe breathe

i watched you reading what i wrote about you, and you looked at me and said it was the best thing that you'd ever read. that you didn't know those things about yourself or how i see them every day, every second i'm with you. i can't believe that you didn't know them already, but if what i can give you is the assurance that i do, and that i believe that many people do, i will give that to you. i feel inadequate when i try to put you into words, but since that's the main thing i have ever had an affinity for i think i should at least try. because if i don't, what am i giving you? nothing. and i can't stand the thought of not giving you everything i have, even if it is just words that come to me as naturally as breathing. i feel like i am giving you my own chaos, and if that's ok with you it's ok with me. it is consistent with how i understand my own life. somehow you never see it and it fills me with incredulity i can't understand, but that's ok because understanding what is going on when i think of you is the first thing i gave up on, and i would rather find destruction trying to figure it out than not try to figure it out at all.

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