Saturday, May 7, 2011

goodnight neverland

i am going back to chicago tomorrow. i have a lot to tell you, and i would tell you now, but it's 2am and the ambien is starting to kick in. i will just put some little things i've been thinking about down, and the rest tomorrow. goodnight neverland
* * *

i am so averse to feeling committed (or what i general think of commitment as, being trapped) that i often don't want to feel anything. and that's where forgetting helps, because it's like puzzle pieces that aren't ever put together. they don't even know that another part of the puzzle exists.
* * *
the thought of removing some part of vitality, like giving blood is kind of appealing because i know it will slow me down. that's the worst thing to say, but it's true. i know i will feel drained and exhausted and fall asleep right away. i also like being out in the sun for a long time. because then i feel like all the anxiety and sadness gets baked out of me.
* * *
she fell asleep, but it was the feverish, unhappy sleep punctuated with bizarre dreams and waking up feeling like she wasn't really breathing.
* * *

What do we leave behind when we cross each frontier? Each moment seems split in two; melancholy for what was left behind and the excitement of entering a new land.
ernesto che guevara

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