Monday, April 25, 2011

no, i don't think so.

i met him when the anxiety was starting to split me apart. i was focusing on everything too much, feeling it too much and very easily upset. i was making rapid progress, and at times i had flashes of noticeable talent. for every step ahead, though, i felt like i would blow it in some way, and the divide between the two parts of myself got bigger. there were always signs of latent torment, but only a few times it got to the point of debilitation. i was intersected with railroad tracks that ran through the middle of two different parts of town. events would trigger a split that went right through me, and each new sensation of happiness and satisfaction had to be met with an episode of panic or neurosis on the other side, like a schism. to me the stakes seemed higher. looking back, i don't think they really were. mentally i had more to lose. i was climbing higher into my mind, and simultaneously finding lower recesses. at times i would descend into dark places in my psyche that i didn't know if i could get out of. every time i got out i suddenly had a new fear of being back there again. it's a terrifying thing, to be scared of yourself and the places you know you are capable of going.

for those things i took to him in something akin to an addiction. i loved it all- the dissatisfaction with society, the smoking, the way he did not give anything the time of day to let him down. he didn't judge me, and dared anyone to judge him. he didn't care, and when i was with him i didn't either. when i was with him all the built-up torment twisted away in the smoke, and i was the most liberated i had ever been. and with each other it was like we were exploring a boundless unreality free of the constraints that had been keeping us in.

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