Friday, March 25, 2011

we made ourselves an altar

first of all, a little bit of explanation about my previous post. due to the camera-losing in new york city, the only pictures that i took are on my phone. unfortunately this means i don't have pictures of my favorite part, our hotel room on the top floor of a hotel in united nations plaza. i will have my camera for my trip to boston and providence in two weeks.

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'bioluminescence' was a word that was used several times in the environmental film that i saw about deep-sea fish. they used it for when a fish lights up under water, and it was one of the best words i've heard in a long time. when fish glow like a lite-brite (do you remember that toy? where you put the neon pieces of plastic into the board so the light could go through them?) they are bioluminescent. i really like this idea of contained light. like a firefly.

or like this! a sun jar!

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i won second place in a writing contest at u of i! i was pretty excited about this, and a few people have asked me if they could read what i wrote. i will put it in the next post.

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i have been pretty exhausted the past few days, and i keep thinking about the idea of addiction, and how someone becomes mentally and physically dependent on something. on a lighter note, i've also been thinking about summer, and having adventures when it gets warmer out. i will write more about this when i have had a chance to develop the idea past what i have now, which is verspertine and really only a secluded lake in the middle of the summer, and the idea that anything could be true, could be ours. a time that i can only confront in a way that creates internal distance.

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Sunday, March 20, 2011


new york city

Emission of visible light by living organisms such as the firefly and various fish

"our blood is of the ocean. in our veins it is ocean water with red blood cells added. that's why we long for the sea- we belong to it. our minds can't remember but our cells do."
over your cities grass will grow, environmental film festival in the nation's capital
march 20, 2011

Monday, March 14, 2011

a wind in the door

we realized that the version of the world they had rendered for us was not the world they really believed in, and that for all their caretaking and bitching about crabgrass, they didn't give a damn about lawns.
the virgin suicides

i like to see people reunited, I like to see people run to each other, i like the kissing and the crying, i like the impatience, the stories that the mouth can't tell fast enough, the ears that aren't big enough, the eyes that can't take in all of the change, i like the hugging, the bringing together, the end of missing someone.

what was it we expected and hoped from ourselves? that we were boundless, or quite different than we are? one could have the hope that he could become more real by reducing expectations, shrink to a hard, reliable core and thus be immune to the pain of disappointment. but how would it be to lead a life where there were only banal expectations like "the bus is coming?"

we leave something of ourselves behind when we leave a place, we stay there, even though we go away. and there are things in us that we can find again only by going back there. we go to ourselves, travel to ourselves, when the monotonous beat of the wheels brings us to a place where we have covered a stretch of our life.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

zack's science center

It's probably become evident in the preceding posts that I'm getting kind of bored of the working world. This is problematic because I have only actually been in it for two months. Lately I have felt like I have no creativity and by the end of the day I just want to get home. This is not my usual self because most of the time I feel very interested and motivated and I want to do things.

I decided that I need to do something to diversify my time and feel more imaginative like I used to. I decided to start volunteering teaching creative writing after work! The place that I chose is focused on creativity and innovation, so I think that I will love it. It is also kind of quirky (go figure) and the teaching center looks like a cave. Not like a run-down building kind of cave, an actual cave! Walking in there I felt like I was walking into Diagon Alley or some kind of hidden time portal. I also noticed that on the metro I saw the exact same guy get on the same train at two consecutive locations (which is impossible! but it happened!) so the time portal idea is not completely off base and I am feeling pretty confident about it. For some reason going into the cave also reminded me of when I was in grade school and we used to go on field trips to this little museum called "Zack's Science Center," which was the setting of some very special grade school memories for me. That is for 2 reasons. 1, they had a plethora of animals and you could hold any animal that had a green sticker on its cage. The green sticker meant "go ahead." You could maybe hold an animal with a yellow sticker on its cage, if you asked for someone to help you. That sticker meant "use caution." This included my personal favorite, the rabbits. It also included tarantulas, which I found to be pretty revolutionary at the time. If something had a red sticker you must leave it in its cage. This was the boring sticker which meant that you could just look at it. It included fish. Obviously I was not going to try to take the fish out of its cage anyway. I took this as condescending.

The 2nd reason for my affinity for Zack's Science Center was the planetarium. This was a small inflatable dome shaped like an igloo that took up about half of the center. You crawled in and the floor was lined with Christmas lights, and when you got to the dome part you watched a little show about space and the constellations projected on the convex ceiling. They connected together the stars in the constellations with lasers and then the shapes became animated and acted out the stories. You would lay on your back and watch Pegasus and Orion and Cassiopeia have adventures together for about an hour, and I remember listening to the stories but mostly just pretending that I had fallen into space.

Monday, March 7, 2011


i feel like i'm not breathing oxygen here. i am not just in this city, i am saturated by it. that's ok, i will just take what it gives to me. the energy is consuming and i could exhaust every means possible to evade it, and not be any farther than when i started.

it's in the air and it will infect you.

i can't slow down when everything around me is moving so fast. i won't sleep but it's ok, this city doesn't sleep either. it will stay up with me and watch the sky turn pink and i'll forgive it anyway.