Tuesday, February 15, 2011

veritas

I could give several reasons for my lack of writing in the past few days (weeks). Most days you would hear these reasons (excuses) such as: I am now working full-time, I have been going out every weekend, I am now contributing to another blog, I am working on applications for the summer. I am feeling very truthful right now so it's a very good (or very bad) time to write. Those reasons are all technically true, but they're actually bullshit. I had less free time when I was in school and still found the time to write much more frequently.

The real reason is that I have been too consumed with self-doubt and anxiety (and the idea of just getting from one day to the next) to put out the things I have been thinking about. I feel like they're weird and pointless to read. I don't know when I started being affected by this...I have been told that my writing is weird more than once. Typically my internal response to this was that I would rather be weird than boring (which is what the person generally started to seem like after that comment was made). My environment has completely changed and for some reason I have gotten out of the mindset of just saying what I'm thinking regardless of how it will be received. I don't know when I decided I needed affirmation from anyone.

The other day this kid I know explained the difference between 'panicking' and 'choking.' He said that when you panic you can only think about one thing and that debilitates you. When you choke you're thinking about a million things at once and that debilitates you. Currently the uncertainty about my future and the completely different work environment I have been in is affecting me adversely, and I'm choking.

"I think and think and think, I've thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it."

Jonathan Safran Foer

I am trying to remember the times that I have had to try (and fail) to actually get somewhere. I had to try to speak Spanish and fuck it up hundreds of times to feel like I could actually say anything. I hated my job in sales for almost a whole summer before I started to feel like I could be legitimately good at it. I got lost in Italy over and over until I started finally getting it. Is this trial-and-error (and repeat, and learn the hard way) method inefficient? Yes. It takes a long time and I question it constantly. I've made so many mistakes and had to do things over.

Scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. Realize the strength, move on.
Henry Rollins

Maybe having these experiences, feeling the repercussions and then getting over it has become a large part of who I am. I don't know. I'm not complaining. Except maybe, sometimes, I am.

Maybe admitting to these things is showing weakness. I'm actually sure that is how it would be perceived. That's ok though, it's all true.

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