Monday, February 28, 2011

cassadaga


"this one time, in serbia.."
















"when did this become a hat party? when did we start WEARING HATS?"





I'M REALLY IMPORTANT


this was supposed to be "looking serious" but i mostly just accomplished "looking like a tool"










it's so cold and i can't get warmer. maybe if the sun would come out it would melt the ice on the window and in our bones that's all soaked through to the middle. i think we need to get out of here; out of this city. i don't know how far to get away from this. maybe savannah. i think that would be far enough. if we went to savannah it will be sweltering with everyone's memories and fear and how inside they are all conflicted at once with good and evil. sometimes it will be chaos but that is what i want; i don't mind the struggle. you think it is oppressive but i think it's sultry. everyone will talk breathlessly because there is so much to say and reality will be boundless again. what i want is to never be cold or gray or hear "we could've done things differently, what a shame. "

Sunday, February 20, 2011

back to the lake

i wonder how much of me is you. maybe i didn't tell you enough; since i was constantly thinking about it i figured it must have been written all over my face. most of me is not from myself but from you and i wondered if that was bad, and i thought it probably was but i didn't know for sure. now i can't make it different through any way but undoing everything that happened from the second i met you, and that's too much to make blank; to make a question mark where a book has already been written. i wonder if i would've done things differently if i would have known you weren't going to be around forever, and i don't know and i try not to wonder too much, but i think about that.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

veritas

I could give several reasons for my lack of writing in the past few days (weeks). Most days you would hear these reasons (excuses) such as: I am now working full-time, I have been going out every weekend, I am now contributing to another blog, I am working on applications for the summer. I am feeling very truthful right now so it's a very good (or very bad) time to write. Those reasons are all technically true, but they're actually bullshit. I had less free time when I was in school and still found the time to write much more frequently.

The real reason is that I have been too consumed with self-doubt and anxiety (and the idea of just getting from one day to the next) to put out the things I have been thinking about. I feel like they're weird and pointless to read. I don't know when I started being affected by this...I have been told that my writing is weird more than once. Typically my internal response to this was that I would rather be weird than boring (which is what the person generally started to seem like after that comment was made). My environment has completely changed and for some reason I have gotten out of the mindset of just saying what I'm thinking regardless of how it will be received. I don't know when I decided I needed affirmation from anyone.

The other day this kid I know explained the difference between 'panicking' and 'choking.' He said that when you panic you can only think about one thing and that debilitates you. When you choke you're thinking about a million things at once and that debilitates you. Currently the uncertainty about my future and the completely different work environment I have been in is affecting me adversely, and I'm choking.

"I think and think and think, I've thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it."

Jonathan Safran Foer

I am trying to remember the times that I have had to try (and fail) to actually get somewhere. I had to try to speak Spanish and fuck it up hundreds of times to feel like I could actually say anything. I hated my job in sales for almost a whole summer before I started to feel like I could be legitimately good at it. I got lost in Italy over and over until I started finally getting it. Is this trial-and-error (and repeat, and learn the hard way) method inefficient? Yes. It takes a long time and I question it constantly. I've made so many mistakes and had to do things over.

Scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. Realize the strength, move on.
Henry Rollins

Maybe having these experiences, feeling the repercussions and then getting over it has become a large part of who I am. I don't know. I'm not complaining. Except maybe, sometimes, I am.

Maybe admitting to these things is showing weakness. I'm actually sure that is how it would be perceived. That's ok though, it's all true.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

written my life on your skin

I'm sorry I haven't written regularly the past few weeks. Even if people don't read this, I really like writing it. In between work and going out I have lost track of time and all the days are running together. It has definitely been an adventure so far, so much so that I won't write about the shennanigans anywhere ha. I am feeling really restless to travel again, and the book I am reading, You Shall Know Our Velocity! is making me want to even more.

I was so tired today I didn't get out of bed until 3.30. It was nice seeing the sun slightly warming the vacant winter sky and the light falling in through my window. I hope you are all having a great weekend. Here is a quote I like that I saw in a stationary store on a card:

"Your journey has molded you for your greater good, and it was exactly what it needed to be. Don't think that you've lost time. There is no short-cutting to life. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. And now is right on time."
Asha Tyson

Saturday, February 5, 2011

nietzsche's cosmos








Everything we do is secret. Nothing we do will ever be understood; we will be feared and kept well away from. It will be the stuff of legend, endless discussion and limitless inspiration for the brave of heart. It’s you and me in this room, on this floor. Beyond life, beyond morality.

Henry Rollins