Tuesday, December 7, 2010

exoskeleton of a spaceship

When the schism within yourself gets bigger, sometimes things fall in between and are lost forever. Is that too strong a word to use here, 'forever'? Are things really lost forever? Or are they put somewhere in the cellar of our mind when they resurface when you have forgotten that part of your life ever happened, and make you wonder if anything is truly sprung from within you or if it is the reinterpreted meaning of everything you have ever experienced or read or seen. Did I even just make that up or did Chuck Pahalniuk say it in Invisible Monsters?

It's like when I was trying to write an ethnographic piece and I realized I stole an exact phrase from James and the Giant Peach. I didn't even remember it, until I was thinking, what inspired that? And then I was trying to retrace where this image could have come from, and I realize, it wasn't "inspired" by anything, it was stolen from Roald Dahl from a book I haven't read for ten years! And then all of a sudden I am wondering if all I am doing is winding all these things up inside myself and then regurgitating them. Or if somehow when you think the same things as someone, even for a second, your minds become permanently connected in ways you don't even realize until it comes up again. This thought is too disarming so I take a shower to relax but then I absolutely have to get out of the shower because I am thinking of all these ideas that probably no one has ever thought of or will ever think of again, and if I do not immediately write them down they probably will be lost in the schism and how could I deprive the world of hearing this?

And I see, all these things are connected. My professor and Dave Eggers and my friend from New York all compared Chicago to Oz in separate circumstances: in a book, during dinner, in a lecture. Like Oz from the Wizard of Oz. Either one of them was constantly comparing Chicago to Oz in front of the other two so they all had this metaphor at hand, which I actually don't have a problem with and I quite enjoy, or somehow they all came to it together from different life experiences. It probably has nothing to do with the fact that they were all at some point located primarily in Champaign, Illinois and it is reasonable comparison to make. It must be some sort of weird mental connection. Like when I heard this song by Phish and they say almost the exact same thing Mary Elizabeth Frye said in a poem. Do they all have some sort of ESP and they are trying to filter these thoughts through as many veins of society possible but really they are all coming from the same artery? Or are these sentiments so pervasive once put out there that they resurface all over the place? Well, I've noticed it happening. Maybe they didn't think that the same person would remember all these little references, but I do remember them, because they were never really gone they were just misplaced in the schism. How can people think that everything isn't all connected? When I read a comparison of Chicago to Oz in a book, and then my professor compared Chicago to Oz, and then my friend COMPARED CHICAGO TO OZ. And really, this is just a small example because these things are happening all the time. These things aren't accidents. In the Game of Life it says "We have an unfortunate propensity to place undue significance on accidental patterns." This is wrong, but perhaps even worse, this is boring.

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