last week i was home for the thanksgiving holiday. the break was mainly nice, but some of the memories that resurfaced when i went home were too much. there is something about going back within the four walls where you first felt those things that makes them come back with an intensity that doesn't seem to have faded with the passing of time. the people who used to have power over you get it back, despite all the growing you've done. less of you belongs to you and more of you is in their hands, again. all the walls that were put up and reinforced with experience and pain and 'learning the hard way' fall apart, and it's as if you never left. as if all your work in dimming the sting of those experiences was for nothing.
i felt that this week, as i do every time that i go back home. no matter how much i want to remember that those things do not define me anymore, i can not deny how much i still care. i wrote about this in one of the first posts i wrote last year, but i want to write it again.
She was gone during those years when adultish longings hatch. Those of us who remain captive in our small teenage worlds tend to transfer our longings (loneliness, desire, beauty, friendship, sex) onto our hometowns, hanging them from the trees we grew up near and the houses of the first people on whom we had crushes, like Christmas ornaments, where they remain, powerful and sad, whenever we go back home.
i still can't believe that someone could write something that perfect. anyway, i'm back at school now, and i'm happy. it still overwhelms me going back into the mindset that i used to be in that seems to overtake me when i go back (not that i'm that much older or have that much more perspective now). i love the people and experiences more than i can articulate, but i can't think about them too long. i still like the feeling of watching the horizon fade behind me and thinking that with each passing mile i am farther from some things that still torment me. maybe that's running from something, or maybe it's looking for something i still haven't found.