I realize now that my actions have become slightly manic, like those of an addict. After this I will be withdrawn and unable to think of anything aside from my next fix. It's not healthy, and it's not lasting. It's for right now. If the future doesn't involve it, I don't want it to come. Right now my future is stretching in front of me like a gravel road to be walked barefoot. The pain won't be acute, but it will be constant. I wish I didn't think about it so much, but I can't help it. It's beyond obsession. I wish I could develop normal penchants and inclinations, but I can't. It's as if I am lacking a chemical that I had before but my body can no longer produce. I can't be accountable for things I do now. If I could, I would drink a sleeping draught. Powerful and immediate, like a shade being drawn over a window. This would slow the off kilter reeling of my mind. All it does is spin and spin and drive me crazy with the immensity of everything.
I put two mirrors directly across from each other to illuminate my room. Looking at them reminds me of you, reflecting wildly forever. They constantly spit light and noise back and forth and when you look at one you can see the other replicated for infinity behind the glass.