Sunday, February 14, 2010

echoes to the remotest star

Recently I have been complimented on my outward confidence and assurance of identity and purpose. I am satisfied that I have been able to portray this image, but that is exactly what it is- an image. The more I discover about the world the more I am overwhelmed by confusion. My inability to accept things at face value has led me to an internal struggle that seems to deepen rather than recede. I often find brief peace of mind in moments of clarity and wisdom I attain from other people. It's not mine, though- what I have is confusion.

"For the few little outward successes I may seem to have, there are acres of misgivings and self doubts."
Sylvia Plath

I would like my reality to be the reality of the universe, and not mine alone. What I would like to do is internalize the world around me; take it in through every pore of my skin and let race it through my veins. Maybe then the confusion would subside into an inherent possession of understanding. I could present it to you, too, if you've ever felt the confusion that I have. Maybe I could give it to you in a way that makes it more comprehensible.

"When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe."
John Muir

Maybe that's the problem, then. Maybe I don't understand because I am trying to take it piece by piece, which is impossible when everything in the universe, all past, present, and future is inextricably bound and you can't just tear the fabric apart.

I wish I had more confidence in the fact that everything will work out the way it is meant to. I really wish that I did. I wish I knew what I was supposed to contribute, or how I could make my existence worthwhile. I really wish that I was more complacent with my ignorance over this painful awareness.

I can make you satisfied in everything you do.
Elliott Smith

Richard Feynman said is perfectly, but we're different. It doesn't frighten him, but it frightens me. It scares me to death to be honest.

You see, one thing is, I can live with doubt and uncertainty and not knowing. I think it's much more interesting to live not knowing than to have answers which might be wrong. I have approximate answers and possible beliefs and different degrees of certainty about different things, but I'm not absolutely sure of anything and there are many things I don't know anything about, such as whether it means anything to ask why we're here, and what the question might mean. I think about it a little bit and if I can't figure it out, then I go on to something else, but I don't have to know an answer. I don't feel frightened by not knowing things, by being lost in a mysterious universe without having any purpose, which is the way it really is so far as I can tell. It doesn't frighten me.

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